The Only Clothes Phil Coulson Owns Are Suits
by tardiswing
Summary: The avengers find out that Phil Coulson has a second job none of them knew about and are quite surprised to learn about what he does on his off-time. Especially Clint.


Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or the setting that I used in this story.

The only clothes Agent Phil Coulson owns are suits. He has never been seen, pictured or imagined in anything else. Agent Coulson is unseen in his suits, able to maneuver throughout large crowds without being the focus of a single drifting eye. In the halls of SHEILD, Agent Coulson is untouchable in his suits. If one of the junior agents had the idiocy and dare to talk to the great Agent Coulson, they would have found underneath his suit was a riddle no one realized was unsolved.

Yet they never did and therefore never realized there was anything to Agent Coulson other than a machine politely drenched in satin.

The avengers were not much better.

"Do you ever wear anything other than suits?" Tony drawled for the second time that night.

Apparently Tony felt that every once in a while it was his responsibility to question his teammates' apparel choices. Had he not already realized that Clint and Natasha are lethal assassins, well; cat suits and the color purple would be facing scrutiny…again.

Coulson turned his head from the pleasant conversation with Clint to stare at Tony across the dinner table. Tony and his fellow avengers gazed questioningly back at him.

"That information is classified, Stark."

Tony's pupils widened ever so slightly before realizing that that information was most likely not on a need to know basis and the agent was teasing him. Though, he had been wrong before.

"Jarvis." Tony did not break his eye contact with Coulson while whining the command. "Tell me the contents of Agent Coulson's wardrobe."

Phil inwardly cursed himself. Of course he realized that moving into the Stark Tower and being surrounded by five other impulsive superheroes would limit his privacy. Yet Phil had uncharacteristically forgotten Tony's AI and its extent of insider knowledge.

"Agent Phil Coulson is in possession of eleven suits in variations of black and two tuxes. Sixteen dress shirts, a Kevlar vest, eight ties, thirty pairs of black socks." The automated voice rattled on while Phil allowed himself a small sigh of relief. The relief was short lived.

"Agent Phil Coulson also has a box of clothes at the bottom of his closet which he had asked on his first day at the Stark Tower to keep the contents disclosed from questioning parties."

Phil groaned as he got up from his chair and chased Stark before Tony made it to his room.

The remaining avengers looked incredulously at each other.

"What clothes would the son of Coul have that are not suits? I have not seen him don anything else even in the midst of great fights." Thor frowned as he mulled this over.

"I wonder what Phil does on his days off." Clint smiled and raised his eyebrow suggestively over to Natasha, whom scowled back at him over her half finished plate of spaghetti.

"Could the presentation of possibly inappropriate clothing apparel perhaps wait until after dinner?" The redhead asked dryly.

Clint never realized his innocent innuendos could be proven correct.

"I don't really think we should be delving into Agent Coulson's private life." The super solider mused uncomfortably.

Bruce nodded in agreement across from Steve. Everybody had their secrets. Though the scientist was curious to exactly what the well kept agent did when he wasn't working. Not that those moments came often while working for the Avengers.

Clint rolled his eyes at Captain America's need to always be polite and upstanding.

Tony's gasping breath filled the room as he rushed down the stairs with a large, sealed cardboard box secured in his arms. He stalked over to the table and laid it down with a celebratory thunk on an empty chair while his fellow avengers got up and walked over to stare at it. Dinner was forgotten.

The following footsteps announced the arrival of Coulson as he finally caught up with Tony. The billionaire was deceptively fond of taking shortcuts with sharp turns that left the recovering agent winded.

Phil approached the group warily when he saw Tony eyeing his prize.

Phil cleared his throat nervously. It was time for the truth to come out "Did you realize that SHEILD doesn't pay near as much as people think? I, uh, sometimes take on secondary jobs during off time."

Clint looked up at him startled. Phil had never mentioned any money troubles. He snorted. Of course Coulson wouldn't mention any money problems even within the vicinity of a billionaire, especially seeing as that billionaire is Tony Stark. Phil has his pride, but how long had this been going on. He looked over and saw his partner in a similar train of thought. It seemed that Natasha had also not been informed of their handler's struggles.

"What sort of jobs would these be, Agent Coulson?" Steve (epitome of American values here) asked, concerned about the integrity of such escapades not that he doubted Agent Coulson was disloyal or corrupt in any way.

Phil groaned as he saw the avengers contemplate what other jobs a man with the agent's skill set could possibly attain. Most of their first thoughts went to a form of bodyguard or a desk job seeing as Phil Coulson never really stopped doing paperwork. Their guesses were astonishingly far off the mark.

"Holy CRAP!" Exclaimed Tony. He opened the box and gawked at Phil.

Four sets of mesmerized eyes stared transfixed and then quizzically at the police uniform Tony pulled out of the container.

"Do these clothes not signify the job of a peacekeeper on midgard? It causes no reason for shame. A strong warrior has a place to uphold the peace as well as fight for it." Thor cut of his monologue in bewilderment as Coulson's blush grew.

"No, No, Guys. You're not getting it." Tony was jumping up and down from excitement. "Look."

Tony dramatically reached to the side of the proud attire. To the distinct sound of releasing Velcro, the billionaire pulled the costume apart entirely. The now obviously false gold badge glinted in the room's light.

Clint was the first to understand. The well trained assassin took in what appeared to a break away shirt with the easy to pull Velcro and the top-notch agent with an impervious poker, now the color scarlet and pointed at the ground. Clint, in all variations of the phrase, lost it.

Clint held his chest almost hyperventilating. The Assassin sank the floor as he cackled. "Phil, oh my god Phil!" The avengers stood around him slightly concerned as Clint flailed around the hard wood floor laughing.

Tony, just starting to snicker maniacally, caught Clint's eye. "I know right! I couldn't believe it either."

Bruce stepped around the mortified Coulson to interrupt Clint and Tony's manly giggles. "Um, you do realize the rest of us have no idea what's going on, right?" the calm scientist gestured to the three other baffled superheroes.

Clint, still shaking with merriment, managed to haul himself up from the floor and direct one shaking finger at Phil. "Phil, our very own Agent Phil Coulson."

"He's a STRIPPER!" Tony broke out laughing again and had to regain his footing.

"Sorry, what?" the usually unflappable scientist was flabbergasted to say the least. Bruce remembered strippers from his pre-hulk days, but he couldn't wrap his head around Agent Coulson being one of them.

Steve gulped; his face was nearly as flushed as Coulsons. "You mean a….. dancer?" Captain America was out of the world for a good long while, but not that long.

Thor remained dumfounded, seeing as the concept of exotic dancers had either not been introduced to Asgard yet or had been created there and already integrated into the culture. The latter made it difficult for the god to understand midgardian's discomfort at discussing topics ranging from incest to giving birth to eight-legged horses.

Natasha was impassive throughout this whole revelation. Sure she was surprised, who wouldn't be, but the spy always noticed the way middle aged women's eyes trailed after Phil as he walked away. He wasn't sexy, but Phil was handsome so this scenario could have always been considered plausible. She was solely glad that her friend did not have to resort to worse to obtain money.

Thor took to finding what other things laid in the box as the first item had amused his companions greatly. The god found a pair of short leggings in the same color with a similar 'Velcro' release and lower in the box, a midgardian gun. He examined the weapon closely and was surprised to see no place to install the metal pellets.

"Son of Coul!" Thor addressed the agent who had been dumbly standing next to the avengers during their epiphanies. "Does this pistol not use ore projectiles? What does it expel that would cause bodily harm to your foes?"

Phil's resigned sigh was scarcely audible over the superheroes' chortles. "Vodka, Thor. It shots vodka."

"Aren't your human drinks not strong enough to annihilate rivals at a single shot? Or have midgardians become more adept at brewing since the last time I visited." Phil really wasn't getting anywhere with the demigod

"Believe me Thor, the idea isn't to kill them." Tony walked over with a Cheshire grin and slung his arm over the agent's shoulder. "So Phil, how long have you been doing what you've been doing, exactly."

Phil released himself from the playboy's grasp. "About five years now."

"Five years!" Natasha was stunned. "Five fucking years and we never found out."

"Gosh Phil, how did you manage that?" Even Clint was impressed.

Phil raised his eyebrows in disbelief. It's like the two assassins actually forgot that he has higher security clearance then the two of them and could even take the killers in a fight given half the chance. Agent Phil Coulson does not have a reputation for nothing. He'd have to find a way to remind them of that fact once he healed completely from the Loki incident.

"More importantly" Tony started. "Where did you manage that?"

It was then that Clint realized something very crucial and stopped laughing.

"I don't think that I've seen you at any of the bridal showers or strip clubs I always make sure to pop by at." Tony hadn't noticed the archer's abrupt silence and continued cavalierly talking until noticing Steve's stern look. "Hey! Not since me and Pepper got together, I'm not that guy." Tony held his hands up in defense and actually looked mildly offended. A look the former playboy had not quite been able to pull off until now.

Clint's face was a mottled purple by now, a result of the very tiny, panicked breaths he was currently taking. "I think I've seen where agent Coulson dances." The whispered statement was just loud enough for the whole team to hear.

Phil swung his head over to meet Clint's eyes. "You go…there?" He was astonished and his eyes were alive with an ominous light.

Clint looked back at him strangely. "yah. I'm uh, you know. I thought you knew. "

Phil shoot his head fervently, apparently lost in his own thoughts. "No. No I didn't."

Tony narrowed his eyes at the agent's expression and turned on Clint. "Dude! You've been going to strip clubs without out me, what happened to our friendship!" he yelped. Then the genius thought a slight bit more. 'Wait a minute, Coulson wouldn't be dancing in the strip clubs I go too, he's a man..oh..ooohh." Tony's eyes softened as they flicked over Clint's uneasy stance.

Natasha smirked. "You know Tony, for a genius, I'd expect you to have a better gay-dar. The man only wears purple for heavens sake." She, the Black widow herself, had not expected that Phil was gay either though.

When the avengers were mocking Tony for not realizing something they all had without any help, Phil was realizing just how oblivious he really is. Well, then. I should have asked him out years ago.

Across from him, Clint was getting over the fact that Phil Coulson stripped at a gay bar.

The only reason he sorta knew that in the first place was because the strip club, appropriately named 'Sparkles', had a billboard at the bar featuring the stage names of strippers and what time they preformed. Clint nearly choked on his drink when he saw a stripper with the same name as one of Coulson's aliases.

Clint was going to go back to the Sheild base (where they lived before the Loki invasion) and mock interrogate his handler about that. Of course, Agent Barton disregarded the thought immediately. He did not want to affect their professional relationship if Coulson turned out to be the type of guy that did not support their agent going to a gay bar and actively being gay. Clint always believed that his handler was an uptight heterosexual. Silly Clinton.

Hawkeye cursed himself. He should have asked. They could have been dating for years by now and Clint wouldn't have to be nursing his crush on the formidable Agent just by staring at his ass when Phil walked away. Clint's glad Coulson wears stuff other than suits, but he ain't complaining.

Of course that only works if Phil is into him too.

Phil is into Clint. An understatement would be to say that Phil likes Clint. No, Phil breaths for Clint. He did not think Clint would be able to be into him. He is wondering why everyone else is still in the room. Right, they found out he was a stripper and still talking about it. Oh God, the team found out he was a stripper!

"You dance in a club for men? I have not yet seen this in your realm." Thor asked Phil. He had only been introduced to strip clubs by Tony and had yet to see a man as naked as the migardian females.

"It's called Sparkles." Clint supplied absently.

Bruce took this moment to retire to his bedroom with a cup of strong tea. It was going to a lot to halt all the mental images of their handler in a cage or handcuffs, and not the kind you'd think. Bruce shuddered.

Steve, while from the forties, knew exactly what being gay meant and had no qualms that his teammates were. Captain America went to art school before the army after all. He was only leaving because he could feel the tension coming off from Barton and Coulson in waves. What kind of tension you ask, Steve didn't really want to know.

That leaves Natasha and Tony, whom didn't actually know what was going on. The red-head fixed both Clint and Phil with a menacing glare practically telling the men there would be consequences if they hurt one another and curtly nodded. The assassin proceeded to drag Tony out of the room by his ear and may have smiled when the billionaire yelped.

"So." Clint looked at Phil nervously. "Where do we go from here?"

Phil, bless his heart, smiled. "Agent Barton, I take it that you have never actually seen me strip."

"No, I missed it." Clint laughed.

"Well then, I can fix that." Phil took Clint's hand and they almost ran to Phil's room.

The avengers did not see them till next morning.

*Author's note.

First of all, I am in no way against strippers. It's just the job I thought Phil Coulson should have in this fanfic.

So this is my first fanfiction and attempt at writing. Because of that, I would really appreciate anyone with tips, suggestions ,etc. like how was the dialogue. does this fanfic actually make sense, too fast, offensive? Please review or send a PM. either way I would really like to know what you think!

Also, if anyone else would like to write a fanfic on the avengers finding out phil is a stripper, please go ahead.

Thank you so much for reading and please review!


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